I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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