I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I stole a fireplace last night.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize