I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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