The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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