I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
