11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
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The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
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That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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