he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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