You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
