I skipped work to stalk him.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
