I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
