You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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