Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness