is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
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The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
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dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard