the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
