I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
