Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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