if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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