Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
