I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
barbara walters just said penis...
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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