Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
