Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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