Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
