Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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