I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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