Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
