Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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