those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
