i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
