So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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