i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
