If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
