Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
