Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
