I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
