It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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