Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
