This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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