I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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