I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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