i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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