He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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