I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
