it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
