My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
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