Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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