i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
