My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
