im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
