but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
