we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize