Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
