I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
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I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
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also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
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