Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
